Live at the witch trials 

Snakes on a plane

What a genius idea. You would not even have to pitch it to the big movie guy, Throw a suitcase through his window with a folded piece of paper in it. He reads the paper “Snakes on a plane” He fills the suitcase full of money to make the film and throws it out the window again.

I think I could start making creature feature disaster movies. You do not even need a script the title tells you everything about the film “Gorillas in the graveyard.” “Spider in side her” “piranha pool” “shark infested custard”.

“Gorillas in the graveyard” will star one of the tg4 weather bitches; you know the scaldy one who looks like she’d let you stick it anywhere. She plays the lab coated bespeckled totty with the hair in a bob. She lets her hair down when the characters hide out in an abandoned house.

Actually I’m getting a bit over excited I think I’ll just go lie down.

Another drug doping scandal

Fans of music were outraged last night when it was revealed that many recording artists throughout the 1960’s took a performance enhancing drug called Lysergic acid diethylamide. The artists in question have been stripped of all the Grammys, spray painted records and other worthless crap they received. “We will retrospectively alter past records sales and remove any blowjobs these bands may have received from groupies” said the world anti doping agency in an offical announcement.

The new clampdown on the use of performance enhancing drugs has also lead to the discovery of Polymerase Chain Reaction to being removed from history as its inventor was off his mash on LSD at the time. All criminals convicted from genetic evidence will now be released.


"America is concerned about the women and children who suffer in that country," George Bush 25th July.
No concern for the men,
"There is someone over here with no legs"
"Do they have a Y chromosome"
"How about pubic hair"
"Leave them alone so, maybe kick him in the face if you want"

Proportional Response

According to the old testament, what response is proportional?
Let us say that "Hezbollah are nuts and for kidnapping soldiers, launching rockets and generally acting the maggot Israel has the right to go into another country and kill people".
However people generally seem to think that there going a bit overboard on the destruction. So what according to the Old Testament would be a proportionate response? More bluntly how many Semitic little girls is the Israeli army allowed murder?

"An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth",(Exodus 21:23-27) seems to imply only 1:1 ratio of murders are legitimate. However if you go by other passages it seems that you can only kill those who have attacked you, that the murdering of little girls is frowned upon.
"Thou shalt not aavenge, nor bear any bgrudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt clove thy dneighbour as thyself: I am the LORD." (LEVITICUS 19:18)
"The arevenger of blood himself shall slay the murderer: when he meeteth him, he shall slay him." (Leviticus 35:19)

Torah based law is like gynecology, something you really should leave to the professionals. But if you want information on what vengeful acts a Jewish leader is allowed to engage in read this.

Of Course if you go by the bible Christians are not really allowed to engage in warfare at all, and that does not stop them.
Christian's are not allowed to seek vengeance, "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord" (Romans 12:19, King James Version)
Engage in sinful acts to prevent other sinful acts "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21)
Generally be disgruntled with those who attack you, "You have it said... love your friend, hate your enemy. But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you". (Matthew 5:43-44)

What ratio of deaths between warring parties is proportional according to the old testament to the bible?

Gender Turing Test


"The new form of the problem can be described' in terms of a game which we call the 'imitation game'. It is played with three people, a man (A), a woman (B), and an interrogator (C) who may be of either sex. The interrogator stays in a room apart from the other two. The object of the game for the interrogator is to determine which of the other two is the man and which is the woman. He knows them by labels X and Y, and at the end of the game he says either 'X is A and Y is B' or 'X is B and Y is A'. The interrogator is allowed to put questions to A and B thus:

C: Will X please tell me the length of his or her hair?

Now suppose X is actually A, then A must answer. It is A's {p.434}object in the game to try and cause C to make the wrong identification. His answer might therefore be

'My hair is shingled, and the longest strands, are about nine inches long.'

In order that tones of voice may not help the interrogator the answers should be written, or better still, typewritten. The ideal arrangement is to have a teleprinter communicating between the two rooms. Alternatively the question and answers can be repeated by an intermediary. The object of the game for the third player (B) is to help the interrogator. The best strategy for her is probably to give truthful answers. She can add such things as 'I am the woman, don't listen to him!' to her answers, but it will avail nothing as the man can make similar remarks."

Here Turing goes off to talk about computers but has his belief that you cannot tell gender differences ever been proved? If a man and woman cannot be distinguished then there must be no fundamental difference, other then physically, between them.

While I am on the subject I saw a program once where two cops went on instant messenger pretending to be children to see if any perverts would try it on with them. This would seem to prove that there is little psychological difference between children and adults because over instant messenger an adult can successfully convince another adult that he is a child. However it is possible to pretend to be someone who knows less then you. If I was pretending to be a dog or a chimp it would be hard for you to prove I was not over IM. If however I pretended to be Einstein you would quickly figure it out, especially if you were a physicist. So its possible to pretend to know less then you do but not to know more, particularly to someone who knows the answers to the questions they are asking.

There are lots of things that every physicist knows that I do not so I would fail a “physicist” Turing test. But are there things that everyone of a gender knows that the other gender does not? Can we in one simple experiment test whether different genders really come from the same planet?

Here is what I need
1. You to take part in the experiment

2. You to think up some good gender defining questions.

Questions like

1. How would you defend your house from a swat attack? Men could answer this.

2. What is the longest you have worn a pair of underpants for? If number of days is greater then four the person is a man.

3. When you bleed are there ever black clumps in it?

4. What is a good thing to say to a man in the urinal next to you? Men will answer "nothing".

Alzheimer's For Dummies

Am I the only one who finds this book sick? Have you noticed that half the for dummies books are for things you really dont want dummies doing "brain surgery for dummies" and such.


Dead Friends

How come your dead friends don’t get any older? I get balder and fatter and they stay awkward and spotty. Every now and again you look in the mirror and I remember that I used to have hair and then you see one of them smiling back at you and realise there is worse things to lose then hair.

How about we start a company where we create pictures of dead people so you can imagine there off in a foreign country? We age them over the years to stop the horrible cognitive dissonance of seeing them the same. Once you have a few sets of photos bulk photoshopping them would be easy. We could make photos of marriages to other dead people so that we make two sets of photos for the price of one.

The idea of pretending your friends are still alive might seem weird but we tell children that fido “went to live in the country” and this is the same idea. Maybe were allowed do that because kids are stupid but then smart people would be allowed lie to me.

Maybe you think you should not lie to children but then why all the Santa Claus hype? “It’s the magic of childhood”, why not tell them that your parents buy you presents because they want you to be happy. I find it magical that someone was willing to clothe, feed, shelter and buy me presents me for years. Pretending that your parents love and efforts are actually done by a stranger is a bit weird.

Coma Sex

Do you think it is immoral to have sex with your girlfriend if she is in a coma?

A Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order is asking you not to do your job, so most written coma requests are asking you not to something you would normally do. You can get a divorce if you don’t have sex so this seems to imply that if you don’t want to have sex when your in a coma some sort of "Do Not Ride" order is needed.

"But what if there aware?" Surely being aware is more reason for the jiggery pokery, how boring would lying there be an occasional bit of hanky spanky with your boyfriend has to break the monotony?

"But the unpleasantness factor." Many unpleasant people engage in sexual acts I find unpleasant, that does not give me the right to tell them what two consenting adults can do.

"Anything less than full active consent is not consent." With a stranger yes but with a girlfriend there is a certain implied consent. You can rub yourself off your girlfriend and she can then tell you to fuck off, but you cannot rub yourself off a stranger.

The question seems to boil down to does consent default to yes, "go ahead unless I say no" or default to no, "wait till I say yes before you do anything"?
Realistically after the first few times it defaults to try it on unless she says or acts in a way that shows she is not interested does it not?

There was one of those list things in Cosmo, I was shown it honest. One element of the "great sexy ways to surprise your man" was to wake him up with you having sex with him. This has to be much worse the coma sex; you have someone who can actively consent who your removing the right from.

So opinions or thoughts, do we need "do not ride" orders?

Happy Forecast

How come we still watch weather forecast all the time? It quite important if you are a farmer but most of us are not anymore. Even the pollen or pollution counts only apply to a minority of us. Why do we not have forecasts for useful things, things that effect modern life?
Why not a happiness forecast. You could tell if people were going to be grumpy today, weather cutting people off and undertaking are more likely to get you beaten to death. Picture the forecaster "Storm fronts could reach suburban psyches by sundown. All major idports have been closed". You might say "But you cannot forecast mass human behaviour like that". I would retort
1. Insurance companies do
2. You cannot forecast behaviour of individual air molecules but overall weather forecasters do a good job.

This lead to a problem. Pressure, temperature, moisture level all these are epi phenomenon of large amounts of particles. Talking about one particles pressure does not make much sense. Maybe happiness is a phenomenon of individual people and for large groups we need a new language of characteristics.
So what would you want to see forecast after the news?

Fat Positive Feedback Loop

Imagine you had to carry around an extra 10 kilos with you everywhere. You'd get skinnier pretty quickly? So how come being fat is not self regulating? I have a theory that will require some weighing scales and a tape measure to test.
We get a canteen, and get a bunch of people who all get the same meal served to them. We then weigh the meal and the people, also get there height, gender and maybe age. Now if your fat you'd want to get less food served to you, if however you get more then a thin person your going to gain more weight then the thin person.
If it turns out that fat people get more food maybe we have a cause of fatness. You happen to get more food one day, gain a bit of weight, This makes the food disher-outer give you a tiny bit more food the next day. And your in a positive feedback loop.
We get the sex of the eater because I've noticed that women seem to get less food served to them then men, which considering they pay the same price is pretty miserable. If we can get a perchentage maybe we can get gender prices on meals. Also while I'm on the subject why do airlines allow a set amount of baggage? I weigh 85 kilos and am allowed 20 kilos=105 kilos. Someone who weights 60 kilos has the same baggage limit. Why not allow everyone 100 kilos including themselves and pay for the excess.

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